I sat at a tea house across from my friend who came to visit from San Francisco.  I just informed her that I decided to get a divorce.  She stared at me without blinking, scanning my face in shock.  Then she said, “If I just turned 40 and was divorcing my husband of 17 years I would be so depressed! Why do you look so good?”  I smiled and said because I feel free.  This was the truth.  For the first time in years I felt a release.  I finally listened to that little voice in the back of my head that said that I couldn’t continue living in a marriage that felt lonely.

That moment in the tea house was so important to me because she saw me completely.  I felt free.  I felt the happiest I’ve ever felt in years.  This was a huge turning point in my life.  I broke away from what society says will make me happy.  This was the moment I listened to my inner knowing and let myself choose what felt right to me.  The struggle to get to this point has been years in the making.

However, with freedom and happiness there is also the other side of the coin.  When you unravel your entire life with someone there will be grief.  I have grieved every aspect of this marriage.  I grieved the loss of my husband, the loss of our life together, the loss of our future and the changes in the relationship with my in-laws.  I had a moment the other day when I was in complete shock about how I chose to undo every part of my life.  There were tears and praying for strength and guidance.  Whenever we choose to follow our authentic calling it will get painful at first.  This choice will force you to let go of things that no longer serve you.  You will need to make room for what is calling you and have faith in your action.

At this moment I feel like I’ve been given a blind fold by God and told to walk into a dark forest.  I can only use my intuition and feel my way to this new life.  I’m full of anxiety and fear but deep down I know that what awaits me is everything I’ve been hoping for.  What awaits me beyond this darkness is the life I was meant to live.